Thursday, September 18, 2008

Becoming a Mother is a Process

So, people told me that I wouldn't get sleep and my life would change forever...but what they didn't say is becoming a mother is hard!

I'm an only child, Mike's an only child we're used to getting our way. I'm also a total control freak but guess is Angelo! haha!

Tuesday I had a melt down. Angelo was eating way to much and the Dr. said to ween him back... he wasn't happy about this and unless I held him out in front of me and sang he would scream bloody murder. By about 4:00 p.m. I was a wreak. I called my mother-in-law in tears and asked if she could take him for awhile. She said yes, and I drove over to her house bawling and thinking a was the worst mom ever.

I told Mike that I didn't think I could do it, that I was gonna have to go back to work early...all the while wondering what's wrong with me!! I always hear about moms who don't want to go back to work after I'm ready to go back after four weeks of maternity leave!

Well, I've calmed down and Angelo is back to eating only four ounces every three hours (of course now he cries if he's not held). I still feel crazy most of the time, but after speaking to a few of my mom friends I realized this is pretty normal...but no one ever talks about it.

Nothing else in my life has changed me the way motherhood has, not going away to college, not getting maried, not losing a loved one. Becoming a mother is forever and irreversible and consuming: it involves your body, your soul, and how you spend your time. It changes how other people perceive you and how you perceive yourself.

I guess I feel a bit like Alice in Wonderland, stunned by my overlap of emotions, I feel totally incompetent in my ignorance. Nothing is familiar and nothing makes sense anymore.

Each day I'm learning a little more and I realize...motherhood is a processs... I need to learn to love the process!


Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Oh Shell :)

I think no one tells you because they know we can't understand it till it happens...

You're is absolutely life changing. There's some quote that says something about becoming a mother is when we start living with our hearts on the outside of our body.

I can't tell you how many times in the past and PRESENT that I need Ben or ANYONE to take the boys for awhile (while I bawl all the way to their house ;)

Love you, and you're a wonderful mommy!

The Kennedy's said...

I felt the same exact way after a month after having Jackie. You don't feel like yourself, your hormones are all out of whack, and you are on demand 24/7..and you just want to know when you will feel normal again! Don't worry..that day will come! Slowly things will get better and then REALLY BETTER...and you'll look back and 6 months have flown by. Becoming a mother is the hardest thing I've ever done, so don't think you are alone. Just take one min/hour/day at a time (whatever you need) and before you know it, things will feel normal!

JanaBanana said...

Well said about Motherhood and your insight about it is in great words, you should have that quoted in a book or a calendar.
It is amazing how much I have learned about life through my children. There is so much I have learned about myself through my children, as well.
This role you will have the rest of your's a role you get to design all by yourself and it is always changing.....
grab onto the "Mommy Faith" and hold on tight....God will always guide you.
Whatever you think or whatever you think what others may'll always have Angelo looking up to you and trusting you and loving you ALWAYS!

Schumacher said...

I just had a panic attack Sun, & I've been working at this Momma job for 3 years! :) It is SO crazy how early & strong their will & personality show. When I complain about Sophia's stubbornness, My Momma friend Jen always reminds me that that will make a great personality trait in a CEO or President someday. :)
The first few months, when I could remember what life was like before multitasking like a maniac, the 80 lbs of baby gear & not sleeping much, were tough, but you'll become an octupus/pack mule/insomniac & still be beautiful, ambitious Mo. :)